— Ellie Goulding
In honor of National Coming Out Day and Gay Pride this weekend in Atlanta, I want to offer my undying love and support for the gay community. So many of you have been some of my closest, supportive, and most loyal friends. You have given me so much love in my daily life and the theatre community that I will never be able to forget and I want to be able to give you that love million-fold.
Recently, California became the first state to ban the use for minors of disputed therapies to “overcome” homosexuality, a step hailed by gay rights groups across the country that say the therapies have caused dangerous emotional harm to gay teenagers. I am so exhausted hearing the subtle homophobia going on around me, especially living in Georgia. And this piece of legislature really is a step in the right direction. I love you all and everyone deserves happiness without fear of being judged.
I’m sure my love life sounds like such a sitcom to others. I make such light of it.
But it actually is really sad and I’m starting to feel heartbreak when I don’t have people around me I can joke with about it.
“I want my music to sound like throwing yourself out of a tree, or off a tall building, or as if you’re being sucked down into the ocean and you can’t breathe… It’s something overwhelming and all-encompassing that fills you up, and you’re either going to explode with it, or you’re just going to disappear.” - Florence Welch
I learned that love is better when it’s true
I try to make things picture perfect
I try not to make mistakes
Somehow my cheeks are always burning with one more heartache
One more heartache
So I’m sorry that I asked you to marry me
I’m so sorry but the impulse was strong
I’m not sorry that I loved you
But I’m sorry that I told you
Now I know
Now I know
Now I know
I was wrong.
Teddy Roosevelt’s diary entry from the day his wife died. He never spoke of her death again.
Through being considered clever I have suffered much.
A person of sense ought to never have his children
Brought up to be more clever than the average.
For, apart from cleverness bringing them no profit,
It will make them objects of envy and ill-will.
If you put new ideas before the eyes of fools
They’ll think you foolish and worthless into the bargain;
And if you are though superior to those who have
Some reputation for learning, you will become hated.
— Euripides’ Medea
as the sweetapple reddens on a high branch
high on the highest branch and the applepickers forgot—
no, not forgot: were unable to reach
Sappho of Lesbos
stars around the beautiful moon
hide back their luminous form
whenever all full she shines
on the earth
(Sappho of Lesbos)
This break has been extremely hard on me. I’m really highly emotional person—whether it be crying or laughing its all done to the max and being away from Cherokee High drama just kills me. There was always so many high emotions bouncing off the walls between the people involved and even if it was stressful I loved that stress. I hate not having anything to do and just thinking about my future that has nothing to do with theater or performing whatsoever. I watch the Tony’s and I just am reeking of jealousy over these performers. Not from how good they are, but that get to be involved still and get paid to do this—okay maybe a little jealous of there talent and beauty but mainly the stage thing. Just to look into the stage lights is an out of body experience and you become conscious of each breath you take, every word you say, and every little movement. It’s such a strange feeling that I have missed. I miss studying songs, lines, and dances and having an outlet for my emotions.
I don’t have an outlet anymore so I’m lashing out and getting annoyed with everyone and just listening to my Broadway cast recordings and crying in my bed. I feel such love for theater that is highly emotional for me and even though I think it would be wonderful to pursue a career in fashion, I just feel as if I shouldn’t go into the field because I do not love it AS MUCH as I do theater. I feel like I wouldn’t give it my body and soul if asked like I would with theater. But my best friend, Meagan, gave me a piece of advice that if it so difficult to change what I have already chosen then maybe that is a sign to keep going on the direction I’ve planned for. This comforts me a little. I just don’t really know right now with so much free time, its been giving me some high intensity feelings about finding myself. I’ve really been trying to get in touch with myself and I think once I go away I will finally be able to figure out my life. I just need to run with all my might towards what direction I want to pursue and I just want to get started with the rest of my life.
My heart hurts so bad.
Like someone shoved a knife in my stomach and is just twisting it.